Posted by: fatbegonegirls | November 19, 2010

It’s been awhile

So… I haven’t been here (at least in writing-form) in quite a while. At first I blamed it on being busy and some changes in my life. I was moved to a new apartment, I was packing/unpacking/living out of boxes, establishing a new routine, weighing on a new scale… but eventually it (and by “it” I mean my lack of fatbegone presence) became more about lack of motivation and some serious self-sabotage.

I am floundering people. And never was it more apparent to me than last night. I have a group of friends that I go to dinner with once a month. We explore new restaurants, have fun chatting and I really look forward to these evenings.

Last night we went to Takara, a local Japanese restaurant and I had a delicious dinner. I tried tofu for the first time, had yummy goyza & yakisoba, ate my favorite salad with rice wine vinegar & sesame oil dressing and then we shared some strawberry mochi which was awesome. Yum! By the end of dinner I was full and completely happy.

However, later that night I did something that I’m completely embarrassed to admit. At 10:30 I decided I wanted ice cream, specifically a hot fudge sundae. So I left my new apartment, in my pj’s, to get one. First I went to McDonald’s but was dismayed to find that they no longer have sundaes on the menu. I was in the drive-thru and didn’t want look stupid ordering nothing so I got a quarter pounder. Then, still seeking ice cream, I went to Charlie’s for a sundae. I ate all that food, dinner #2,  at 11 o’clock at night.

No surprise I woke up at 4 am completely ill. I felt awful (shitacular is a better description) with a pounding headache and stomach acid in my throat & mouth. I took tylenol, a prilsec & roliads but was just miserable the rest of the night. I had to cancel swimming, a total FAIL on my part, and am still suffering the consequences of my bad, late night decision.I haven’t been able to eat anything today because I can still taste the acid.

Why do I do this to myself!?!

I’ve been so sad and upset all day. It’s like I’m trying to ruin my life. I feel like a complete waste of skin and a total loser.

Clearly, I need to re-adjust my life and find someway to stop myself when I’m on the verge of bad decision-making.

I really didn’t want to share this but I think, perhaps,  if I write this here, next time I’ll think first. Maybe, knowing that I’ve committed publicly to think before I act that I’ll be kinder to my body. Maybe I can use this blog as a safe place to help me work through some of these issues because I cannot live like this anymore. It’s too hard.

I’ll be back Tuesday with a picture. I’ll pick myself up and try again.

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Responses

  1. Hmmmm……. Sorry you are having such a struggle right now my friend. I think it is good that you admitted your late night binge here for a couple of reasons. First, so you can know that you aren’t alone in doing things like that. I think many who struggle with disordered eating have done something similar to what you describe at least once, if not many times. Second, so I (and others) can yell out to you and to the world that you are absolutely not a complete waste of skin and a total loser. You absolutely are not!

    It’s a horrible cycle, isn’t it. We feel bad (about ourselves or something else) and we act out by eating destructively, which makes us feel bad, and leads to more destructive eating, and the wheel goes around again and again.

    I know what a strong and determined person you are. I have absolutely no doubt that you will get back on track and totally kick butt at all of your goals.

  2. Yea for picking yourself up! You go girl. I love you.

  3. Honey, you just described what a lot of us do at one time or another. It’s just another day – sometimes we are amazing and do spectacular things, sometimes not.

    I know you feel you are a waste, but you know you are not. Just this morning, at breakfast, Grace said “If you couldn’t be my mom any more, I’d want Karen.” At this point, the other two monkeys sitting at the table enthusiastically seconded the motion, then backed up and assured me there wasn’t a plot to dispose of me.

    Remember how much all of us, and all the other great people that choose to be near you, love and appreciate you. Stop being unkind to my Karen friend!

    Teresa is right. You are strong and capable and you can learn to make better decisions. It’s never “from this point forward,” it’s two steps forward and one step back and hesitating and uneven. Next time you have a decision to make, start chanting to yourself that “the Mickelson’s know I can DO THIS.” Hang in there.


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